We all need to keep our sense of humor in the horse business, right?  Here's some of our favorite chuckles.  Got a favorite of your own?  Send it to us at laughinghorse@earthlink.net, and let us know if we can share it with our horsy friends here.  First of all, some practical information:

How to Interpret Classified Horse Ads

"BIG MOVER":  Can't canter within a two-mile straight-away

"NICELY STARTED":  Attended a "natural horsemanship clinic," but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet, especially outside the round pen.

"TOP COMPETITOR": Won a second place 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to tornado warnings.

"HOME BRED":  Knows nothing despite being raise on the back porch.

"BIG BONED":  Good thing he has a mane and tail or he would be mistaken for a cow.

"NO VICES'"  Especially when he wears hi muzzle (and when in the round pen).

"BOLD & SPIRITED":  Runaway.

"GOOD MOVER":  Runaway.

"NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER":  Runaway.

"ATHLETIC":  Runaway (but looks good doing it).

"SHOULD MATURE 17 HANDS":  Currently 15 hands; dam is 15.2, sire is 15.3, but will defy his DNA.

"WELL MANNERED":  Hasn't stepped on, run over, bitten, or kicked anyone since our twelve-year-old neighbor, who we paid to ride him, quit.

"TO GOOD HOME ONLY":  Not really for sale unless you can:  1) pay twice what he's worth; 2) are willing to sign a 10-page legal document of release; and 3) allow current owner to tuck in beddy-bye every night.

"LIGHT CRIBBER":  We can't afford to build any more fences and barns for this buzz saw.

"EXCELLENT DISPOSITION":  Never been out of the stall (or the round pen) and never had any pressure of any kind on him.

"CLIPS, HAULS, LOADS":  Clippity-clippity is the sound his hooves make as he hauls butt across the parking lot when you try to load him.

Practical Information, Part II:

The Real Cost of Horses

Or, why it's hard to find a $5,000 broke Warmblood

(unless it doesn't have a pulse)

Please select from the following menu of options.  Make your choices for a horse carefully.  Remember, they cost many dollars after the purchase as well.

Murphy's Horse Laws

1.    If you do a thorough check of your trailer before hauling, your truck will break down.

2.    There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.

3.    No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.

4.    The least useful horse in your barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks, and need the vet at least once a month.

5.    A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.

6.    Tack you hate never wears out; blankets you hate cannot be destroyed.

7.    Clipper blades will become dull only when the horse is half finished.  Clipper motors will quit only when you have the horse's head left to trim.

8.    If you're wondering if you left the water on in the barn, you did.  If you're wondering if you latched the pasture gate, you didn't.

9.    The number of horses you own increases according to the number of stalls in your barn.

10.    An uncomplicated horse can be ruined with enough schooling.

11.    You can't run a barn without baling twine.

12.    Hoof picks migrate.

Top Ten Exercises to Determine Whether You 

Have What it Takes to be a Horseman

10.  Drop a heavy steel object on your foot.  Don't pick it up right away.  Shout, "Get off, Stupid!  GET OFF!"

9.    Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall."  Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.

8.    Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down.

7.    Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot.  Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing; they might as well know now.

6.    Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt.  Smile as if you are having fun.

5.    Hone your fibbing skills:  "See, hon?  Moving hay bales is FUN!", and "No, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won first place.  I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place."

4.    Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.

3.    Borrow the US Army's slogan:  Be All That You Can Be:  bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...

2.    Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience...This is a learning experience....This is..."

AND THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO DETERMINE WHETHER YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A HORSEMAN:

1.    Marry money!

Hound Humor

Question:  How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?

Border Collie:  "Just one.  And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code."

Dachshund: "I can't reach the stupid lamp!"

Golden Retriever:  "The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Toy Poodle:  "I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.  By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry."

Rottweiler:  "Go ahead!  Make me!"

Shi-tzu:  "Puh-leeze, dah-ling.  Let the servants..."

Lab:  "Oh, me, me!!!  Pleeeeeze let me change the light bulb!  Can I?  Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute:  "Let the Border Collie do it.  You can fee me while he's busy."

Cocker Spaniel:  "Why change it?  I can still pee on the carpet in the dark."

Doberman Pinscher:  "While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch."

Mastiff:  "Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark."

Hound Dog:  "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Chihuahua:  "Yo quiero Taco Bulb."

Pointer:  "I see it!  There it is!  Right there!"

Greyhound:  "It isn't moving.  Who cares?"

Australian Shepherd:  "Put all the light bulbs in a little circle..."

Old English Sheep Dog:  "Light bulb?  Light bulb?  That thing I just ate was a light bulb?"

When God Created Pets

    A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to the question, "Where to pets come from?"

    Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the Garden, You walked with me every day.  Now I do not see You anymore.  I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much You love me."

    And God said, "No problem!  I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of My love for you, so that you will love Me even when you cannot see Me.  Regardless of how selfish, or childish, or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

    And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.  And it was a good animal.  And God was pleased.  And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.

    And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.

    And God said, "No problem!  Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of My love for you, his name will be a reflection of My own name, and you will call him DOG."

    And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.  And Adam was comforted.  And God was pleased.  And Dog was content, and wagged his tail.

    After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride.  He struts and preens like a peacock, and he believes he is worthy of adoration.  Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.

    And God said, "No problem!  I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is.  The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

    And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.

    And Cat would not obey Adam.  And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.  And Adam learned humility.

    And God was pleased.

    And Adam was greatly improved.

    And Dog was happy, and wagged his tail.

    And the Cat didn't give a damn one way or the other.